Shove Off 2010

I think its a classic case of a love hate relationship. That's right, 2010, I'm talking about you.

Love- seeing so many firsts with Liam, doing the typical baby stuff from talking, eating, laughing, goofing around, you name it, we had so many. Making new friends who understood our concerns, who've been throught it- we love you and your beautiful kids. The supportive family and friends who called, emailed, visited both in the hospital or at home, you gave us strength we didn't know we needed. I love that my relationship with my parents and sister and brother have changed to this amazing level. (Yes, we are moving out soon I promise.) The prayers of those we didn't even know that extended to thousands around the world, with messages of hope and love. You have made us feel touched by God Himself, you saved our baby. Its given us a new passion, a way to spread more love and awareness. I love that I've been given an insight into a part of this world I would never have known about without Liam- parents of not typically healthy kids. As a wonderful micro premie Mom shared with me, this is an exclusive club no one wanted to be in but we are. My love for Children's Hospital of Philadelphia is a deep one, we will never forget the names, faces, the helicopter pilot, doctors, surgeons, the moments that truly give us hope. We still need them as we continue to recover and we will do what we can to help CHOP do this for so many other families.

Hate- I will never get an answer to so many questions, like the one we asked a million times as a kid- why? I've confessed to every sin, I did my penance, I consider myself a decent person and I can't stop blaming myself for my son's health. I hate myself somtimes, was it that stupid chicken nugget I craved at 34 weeks pregnant that gave him two major diagnoses? No, then what the hell? Don't give my son the penance for the way I've led my life is how I think when I am honest with myself. I hate the anger I still have and that I know my prenatal care team can never have a finger pointed at them for all the mistakes they made. No other parent should have to have their life turned upside down. Probably the most important thing I've learned is who my true family and friends really are, and I hate that I lost so many people I thought were supposed to care about me the way that I cared about them. This was a rough way and rough time to learn what love really is but life is certainly short and I'm not wasting my time on them anymore. To shun my son because of Down Syndrome or use the word retarded, to not call and ask if he is ok, or email or text, or something and to say you're a friend, a family member, that's something I cannot forgive. And I hated that I had to pretend to be ok with what was happening, be strong and shut up, not my strong trait. I could not scream, cry, hit, curse something and just get it out. The Diary of a Mad White Mother is something I could have played the lead in. However, I did love that I slightly transcended into Ally McBeal and imagined myself doing this during specific moments during the last year.

I could go on, in both categories, for quite a while but I'll spare you my ranting and raving. Alex on the other hand, say a prayer for him, he gets to hear the majority of it. Every year will have ups and downs. This year had a few more downs than imagined but the biggest up is napping right now after playing outside in the snow for the first time today and loving it. That up loved opening up presents and ripping the wrapping paper. And that up, he is just the joy in my heart and life, and ultimately, I'm humbled for this gift.

A prayer of health, happiness and joy in 2011 to all- thank you for being our miracles this last year. We would be nowhere without you. Liam waves hi and gives big kisses with a little bite at the end to you :o)